Internalizing Truths to Strengthen Us

If someone tells another that their shirt is too blue but they’re wearing a red shirt, they’re probably not going to get offended. It’s clear that their shirt is not “too blue” because it’s not blue at all. Since they know for a fact that they don’t agree with this remark, it’s improbable that they will become offended. Of course, most people will not call a red shirt “too blue,” but we can use this example to help us understand more complex and realistic scenarios. 

Let’s take another example: if someone says another’s shirt is “ugly,” this has more potential to cause them sadness or displeasure. Here, because style is opinion-based, it is harder to reject this other person’s perspective. Just like we have opinions about how other people dress, others form opinions about us too, and so unlike before, it’s harder for us to actively prove them wrong in our minds. When there isn’t a clear right and wrong, it can be more difficult to look past negative comments. Yet applying the same ideology as we did in the first example is still possible and can help reduce the amount we’re impacted by others: if we love our shirt and truly believe it is beautiful, other people’s opinions won’t matter to us. While to someone else our shirt might be ugly, to us it can be 100% beautiful. If we can make this the case, the beauty of our shirt becomes a personal taste, and any other view or comment will not impact us or change our mind.  

When we become offended by words or actions, it is often because they touch upon something that we are not confident about. For example, someone doing poorly in school can likely be offended by another calling them “stupid.” On the contrary, if someone called Albert Einstein “stupid,” I’m imagining that he would not be too phased. I’m inferring that since it is obvious to Einstein that he is not “stupid,” any remark that contradicts this will not bother him. However, the student who isn’t doing well in school might have insecurities about their intelligence, and thus this remark could have a higher probability of bothering them. 

So how can the student doing poorly in school also become unbothered by this comment? Like Einstein, I think that the student has to know for a fact that they are not "stupid." One way they could do this is by reasoning why they’re not doing well academically. Perhaps they understand that the reason doesn’t relate to their intellect but to other factors. For example, the student might learn better through different methods that aren’t taught in school, attributing their lack of success in school to factors unrelated to their intelligence. They can also look at the bigger picture and see all the other ways they are smart– while they might have less “academic” intelligence, they could have high emotional or creative intelligence. Whatever their reason might be, if they can disprove this comment for themselves, they are less likely to become hurt. 

Turning the opposite of an unfavorable comment into a fact is one way to work to prevent it from influencing us. But what happens if an unfavorable statement is valid? What if there is no way to disprove it? For example, let’s say someone is particularly short and someone calls them “small” as an insult. Unlike all of the previous examples, this remark is based on a fact, and so the short person cannot just “believe themselves to be tall.” In this case, they should actually do the exact opposite as was done before: welcome the comment. Instead of believing the statement to be false, this person can deeply understand it to be factual; they can come to terms with their height and even love themselves for it. If they become secure with the fact that they’re short, any external remark that addresses it is much less likely to offend them. 

In the first set of examples we understand external input to be false and in this second one we understand it to be true. Although they seem to contradict, both of these methods are actually doing the same thing at their core: turning information about ourselves into clear "facts." The more we can find security within all aspects of ourselves, the less likely we're affected by external factors. This means we must see the full truth for itself. If we do this internal work, outside commentary will have a smaller chance of bothering us. 

It all comes back to self-confidence: the belief in ourselves and our abilities. Once we cultivate this, our lives can improve. However, confidence doesn’t mean having blind faith in ourselves, nor does it mean overestimating our abilities. To find inner strength, we need a deep understanding of ourselves—our strengths, areas for growth, and the belief that we can improve. True confidence should come from a grounded, self-aware perspective that embraces all aspects of who we are.

A rule we can follow is this: build self-confidence by internalizing and embracing truths about yourself. When we achieve security in all parts of who we are through a clear and factual self-understanding, we become less vulnerable to being hurt by external influences. This allows us to dismiss false external judgments while accepting what is true, ultimately reducing negative reactions.

To summarize:

• When we become offended, it's often because we are not confident about a part of ourselves. This makes us more likely to be affected by external criticism.

• To increase our confidence, we must:

  • First, understand all parts of ourselves; we need to know who we are and what we are capable of.

  • Second, embrace every part, including ones we deem "weaker."

• If we know and are satisfied with ourselves, we can operate in one of two ways when faced with a comment:

  • Disprove it

  • Accept it

• Both of these actions are doing the same thing at their core, which is internalizing truths about ourselves